Thursday, October 21, 2010

An Indian Haircut

{And, at Long Last, an Opportunity to Invoke a Quotation from A League of Their Own}



Say, for instance, one begins the summer with a sassy short haircut and messy side-swept bangs; one generally emerges in the autumn with a feathery Jon Bon Jovi almost-mullet in need of attention. The reasonable thing to do is print out a picture of the desired cut (this requires a mile-long walk to the most reliable internet café, the availability of electricity, a viable internet connection and a working printer). Which one then presents to the “fancy” barber in the new hotel.

The fancy barber who then proceeds to lop off, in one single horizontal cut, one's *entire forelock* and then attack the remaining tuffet with a razor, so that not only are one's bangs exceedingly short and blunt, they are thinned. One realizes, with horror, what’s happening and stops Sanjay Scissorhands mid-thinning. But as one searches for words he attacks the side of one's head with unmatched voracity, exorcising a shoulder-length chunk of tresses in one fell swoop so that the mullet has been, on that side, fully realized. One remembers the word for “enough” in Hindi and invokes it,“baas!” and hurries home to assess the damage in the subterranean cheese cave that is one's dark and moldy room (not to be confused with the kitchenette/studio, which is sunny and mold-free).

In a tiny plastic mirror one can plainly see: an almost impressively freakish hybrid of Joan Jett punk-rocker on one side, 80's aerobics instructor on the other, and Simple Jack in the front. The only way to describe the resulting, complete look is DIY-crackwhore. One tries not to let one's vanity outweigh the reality that even the unloveliest of haircuts grow out eventually. Plus, what can’t be remedied with an arsenal of bobby pins and a little silk scarf wrapped just so?

And so one takes a deep breath and decides to laugh instead of cry, because, a) it’s soooo baaad it really is funny, and b) just as there is No Crying in Baseball, there is No Crying in India. My rules.

34 comments:

  1. Bad haircuts are universal. My mom had incredibly long hair and once she went to the "fancy" (and overpriced) hairdresser in Milan to have it shortened a little. She came out with punk short hair because the hairdresser felt inspired for a short haircut. I guess somone is still going around wearing a wig with my mom's hair. It's been twenty years and my mom still cut her own hair, because she can't recover from the shock. At least you're in India.

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  2. I hope he at least gave you a really good head massage which is complimentary at a barber shop after a haircut.

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  3. I can just picture the whole thing through your writing!

    keep laughing, and remember it will grow out and turn into the cute alexa cut in no time :D

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  4. Oh nooooo! I know how horrifying a terrible cut is, but I couldn't help laughing - especially the DIY crackwhore part! I'm sure it will grow in no time (and until then you do have a very pretty head scarf!) xoxo

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  5. Oh you poor thing! Thank goodness for the limitless supply of pretty silk scarves in India! Soooo funny, though. I needed a laugh today - thank you!

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  6. Your way with words gave me such a good belly laugh. Thank you. Can you get your hands on a decent pair of scissors? Taking two inch chunks of hair, twisting it, and cutting it with the point of the scissors pointing directly into said hair (not cutting across for a blunt cut) usually results in keeping the mullet in check. Good luck!

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  7. What a sense of humor you have...and a quick recovery. I'd probably still be in hiding, but what else can you do--laugh and learn to love those scarves! And oh, how fast it will grow out and in surprising ways!

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  8. aw. i am thinking you are going to have to let it grow wild for the year. <3

    (or next time you spot a fashionable woman on the street with great hair, ask where she goes?)

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  9. oh, lily, i sympathize. i feel like growing it wild - contained by hair accessories - is appropriate for your indian adventure. plus, it forces you to buy beautiful silk scarves!

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  10. And people pay $300.00 bucks for that look stateside! Bobbins and bows, my dear, it'll probably be the hottest new trend in town.

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  11. You brave, brave woman. As Marchelle says, there are unlimited pretty scarves in India.

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  12. I'm sorry to have a laugh at your expense, but seriously, this is hilarious. I could picture the entire scene. You're right though; it will grow back and it looks like you did a good job fixing it up.

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  13. Sanjay ScissorHands - Classic. For what it's worth, it looks super cute in the picture. I say bleach it blonde-white and rock it out with some Dippity-Doo or egg whites. Just for shits and giggles. Did I tell you that I now think of you guys every time a Beatles song comes on? Random huh? Must be the sitar vibe.

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  14. oooooooo! maybe you should shave it all off for the true g.i. joe/india experience? can we have a shot of the back please?

    loves!and check out my post today - little bit. it's dedicated to yours truly. :)

    p.s. league of their own quotes = perfection

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  15. This is such a hilarious post! You are a brave girl for even getting your haircut in India. While we were there, one of our constant amusements was noticing the 80's retro hairstyles!

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  16. What's amazing is I clipped that exact Madewll pic out of a mag as inspiration for the haircut I wanted this fall, took it to a highly reviewed on yelp fancy brooklyn hair salon, and also have thinned bangs. FURIOUS. What's with the thinning? I'll bet you'll love it in 2 weeks. Really enjoying your beautiful India pics!

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  17. Listen. Take a pair of scissors. Go nuts. This is the one time you'll have a really go excuse to cut your own hair.

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  18. Oh wow. We've all been there... one time I had a friend cut my bangs and they ended up completely blunt and about 1/2 inch long!!! You look cute in the scarf, though.

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  19. It would be so hard for me to adopt this rule, "no crying in India"!

    However, your artistic flair will win in the end, for the scarf is the perfect accessory!

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  20. Ohbaby. With your heart, I bet you can wear ANY hair and look fabulous!

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  21. Ha! I got my hair done in India, 29 years ago. But mine was long and I just asked them to oil and braid it. It was like having an entire garage floor on my head. Luckily, as you say, hair grows. And washes.

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  22. you are beyond hilarious. sorry about the cut...it will be a good story in older years to look back on and smile, no? :)

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  23. Heavens, thanks for all the haircut horror stories and commiseration! Somehow helps knowing that many a maiden hath gone before me with homely haircuts and that, as you all confirmed, it will grow out.

    And yes, silk head snarves will be in heavy rotation.

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  24. It is the big joke in my family that I always shed at least one tear after a haircut-even a good one. Then I get use to it and all is as before. Bad haircuts really are very funny-down the road a bit obviously!

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  25. My boyfriend got a shave at a barber in India! The barber couldn't speak English so Dunc just had to take it as it came... Poking and stretching his face to shave it, slapping on some serious aftershave stuff and then roughly massaged his head, shoulders, arms etc. It was hilarious.
    Love these stories. We were mainly in Rajasthan so the scenery is so different where you are - it reminds me more of what we saw in Nepal
    Jacqui

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  26. I'm sure your hair looks adorable..so happy your friend recommended your blog, love it and I'll definitely be back!

    Julie

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  27. At long last, an bigBANG post that's actually about **bangs**!

    I wonder what other people's bangs look like in India...Hmm, sounds like a good topic for further research.

    :-)

    Three cheers for the most aacha blog ever!

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  28. THIS IS THE BEST AND THE WORST POST EVER!!!!!

    OMG, Have they found this serial killer who touched your hair??? that is a Crime!!!
    I know is hair but I would be crying wee, wee, wee, all the way home!!!
    But at the end it is just hair right???

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  29. Oh, Lily! Hair is one of those things - yes, it grows out, yes, we are supposed to be Above Things Like That because we are practical minded adults - that is totally devastating when it goes wrong. Wail on the bed and tell people you are never leaving the house again devastating.

    But at least there are silk scarves in the world.

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  30. Now I know why India has the most beautiful scarves...it's for covering their failed haircuts! Excuse my smile, please! Just throw that scarf away and I'm sure this might become the "dernière crie" in a few weeks!! ;o)

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  31. You are a brave girl! I think it's time to learn how to cut your own bangs and let the rest grow. You can always braid it and go native.

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  32. There are good places for a hair cut and then there are bad places!!! Next time head to the city...they will do good justice to your hair!! small towns / villages are not known for dazzling haircuts...however they do a cool job of making traditional food and scarves!
    Thats why India is such a magical place...you get the best of both the worlds!!

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  33. It's a wonderful way to be updated and active. People can see what is your activity and what you were doing recently. I think it's one of those new media on Internet.

    Scarf Manufacturer in India

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