Thursday, April 1, 2010

Say It With Flowers

{Flower Arrangements And Their Hypothetical Arrangers}

Name: Dr. Rhonda Schwartz
Occupation: Marriage counselor
What's on your nightstand: A stack of unread New Yorkers, T Magazine from two Sundays ago, my protective mouth guard (I grind my teeth when I sleep) and a bottle of Xanax.

Name: E. O. Flyte
Occupation: Architect (currently unemployed)
Describe Yourself: Resourceful minimalist. Heavy drinker.

Name: Isabel Primm
Occupation: Part-time bookstore clerk & full-time graduate student in Romantic poetry
The perfect man:  Competent baker of sourdough; lover of cats. Interest in Wordsworth a plus.

Name: Ruth Delano McClintock
Occupation: Recent widow but having a grand old time (I smoked my first joint on my 70th birthday!)
Current obsessions: Square-foot gardening, gentle yoga and rereading Agatha Christie.

Name: Opal Hester
Occupation: 28 YO Bay Area performance artist and proud member of my local CSA
Recent eBay purchases: Allen Ginsberg's Spontaneous Mind interviews, an urban chicken coop, certified organic kombucha babies.

Name: Caroline Morton, aka the MilkMade
Occupation: Ex-sales analyst (foreign exchange) at Lehman Bros., now founder and CEO of MilkMade, LLC, an organic gourmet ice cream start-up housed out of a retrofitted pushcart
Goals for 2010: 1. Host more dinner parties that feature chard; 2. Move to Brooklyn; 3. Beat my boyfriend at squash.


  1. "Architect (currently unemployed)"

    haha. hahahahaha. haha! hahahahaha.


  2. I LOVE this! I strive to be a pastiche of all of these people! xo

  3. what is it with hippies and statice? always with the statice!

  4. your word verifier is telling me that that was a crooel comment

    sorry to hippies!

  5. Hahahahaha! Love the unemployed minimalist architect, but I believe I'm more of a blend of Dr. Rhonda Schwartz and Caroline Morton.

    Maybe you could get a job analyzing flower arrangements? Like, you know how US Weekly hires those "body language experts" to interpret celebrities relationships based on a random photos? You could analyze people's lives based on their floral choices. It is at least as accurate as the body language stuff.

  6. Heeheeheeeheeeeeee! This is so freakin' funny! I want you to make a whole book of these, Lily. The unemployed architect was my favorite, but I fear that I myself am a bit like Isabel Primm. That thought makes me shudder! I agree with Rachel; you should become a flower arrangement analyst. What a job! Almost as fabulous as my dream of becoming a color namer for catalogues.

    So glad you're gonna make the olives! And the way you're planning to serve them sounds perfect. Let me know how you like them!

    Happy Spring! xo G

  7. I guess I'm guilty of being a wee pastiche of all of them. Gigi, you nailed it; if I can't be a floral-arrangements-as-character-stereotype analyst I'd want to be in charge of naming OPI nail polish colors.

    Don't Be Koi With Me is my usual go-to, btw.

  8. That was so funny...i almost peed my pants!

  9. Hahaha...this must me the cutest blog post ever...I want more!

  10. Oh my gosh. Isabel Primm/Caroline Morton... How did you know?

    This is downright brilliant by the way.

  11. *ahem*

    There's quite a fine blogger who embraces
    The wide world of things stemmed and its graces
    Of fine floral construction,
    And those behind the production!!
    Why psychoanalyze? The word's FULL of vases!

  12. Holy. Shit. That's. Good.

    And what a coincidence. One of my new years resolutions was to host more dinner parties featuring chard! It's such an overlooked, leafy, honking, bitter vegetable.

  13. Thanks for making me giggle! I wonder what my single (stolen from local park) hyacinth in a coffee cup, says about me? Wait! I'm not sure I want to know! Fantastic post.

  14. I dunno. I am a non-reader-of-stacks-of-new-yorkers/mouthguard-wearer, and that is so NOT my flower arrangement.


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